Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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