I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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