Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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