can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
