Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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