wakey wakey hands off snakey
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
