I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
