You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
