i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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