1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
