I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
