Apparently you make a good broom.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize