Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
