Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
