the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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