Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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