My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
