A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
