I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
