i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
