My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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