Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
