She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
