Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
