I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Congratulations! We have a period
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
