Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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