You smell like a Billy Joel song
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
