You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
