Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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