if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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