Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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