My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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