Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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