Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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