She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize