ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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