I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
