sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
