If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
