tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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