Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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