Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize