So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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