if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
