I'd wear matching sweaters with you
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
