"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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