I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
