my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
