Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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