Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
