Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
