i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize