oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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