i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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