i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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