it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
