I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
