I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
