I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Soap is not a condiment
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
