dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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