Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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