Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
